oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
