dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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