So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
