My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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