Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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