Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everclear isn't food dammit
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
