Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
