Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
