I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The uberlube is also flammable
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
