It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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