apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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