Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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