When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
