He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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