Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
