I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
