Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
