i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
