If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
