Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
