Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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