3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
