and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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