I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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