I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
