I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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