I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
