You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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