Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
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What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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