i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
