I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
