If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just want nice things and good sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
