I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize