I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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