is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
