someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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