I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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