You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
