My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
