I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
