I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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