Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
