If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
