ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
