the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
