I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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