Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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