I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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