I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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