Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
