went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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