You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
