Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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