Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
