I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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