No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
