Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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