im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
someone owes me an orgasm
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
