My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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