she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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